I was just lying in bed when I realized that...
I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life.
I thought I knew; now, I'm not so sure.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
HOSEA
“Do you take her to be your wife, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?”
The man looked deep into her eyes. Dark and piercing. It was like staring into sweet chocolate syrup being swirled around. It had finally come to this. He was marrying her. She was all his.
How easy it was for her to say “I do” when asked the question, as if it hardly crossed her mind just how big a decision she had made with those two simple English words. He, on the other hand, wanted to savor the moment. He finally had his bride.
“I do.” He could’ve sworn the Hallelujah chorus played in the background for a split second when he uttered the words. This was just too incredible a moment. He could hardly contain his delight when they were given the go-signal to kiss as husband and wife.
“I love you,” he said to her, stroking her cheek gently with his finger.
“I love you too,” she said.
***
For the next three years, the man was happy. He provided his wife with everything she needed and even everything that she wanted. She had all the appliances she would ever need for a comfortable home. She had her garden in which she could plant her flowers. She had a library in which she could immerse herself in the different worlds that only books could offer. She had everything because her husband had given her everything.
They had two children—a son and a daughter. The man promised himself that he would not only be the best husband he could be, but also the best father. He was having the time of his life taking care of his family. He felt that things would just keep getting better and better.
***
She wasn’t home. She hadn’t come home for a week.
The last time he heard from her, she hadn’t said much. She simply said, “I need to be alone for a while. I’ll be home soon.”
The week turned into a month. During the first week of the next month, he heard from a reliable source that she had been seeing someone else for the past two weeks.
***
“She didn’t love you,” the friend said. “You knew from the start that she didn’t understand what true love meant. I still find it incredible that you married her. You’re smarter than that.”
He said nothing. He was too hurt to say anything. After all he’d done for her. After all he gave her. After all the love he publicly and honestly declared for her. She had left him. She had been unfaithful.
“She must have been looking for something you couldn’t provide for her, man.” The friend shrugged before closing the door behind him.
A tear trickled down the man’s face as he softly said, “She’s looking for something she thought I can’t provide.”
***
The phone rang.
“Hello?”
“I know where she is.”
“Where?”
“Some rich guy’s penthouse.”
“Same guy as before?”
“Are you kidding? I’d say this is her sixth, not counting you. I can’t believe you’re still trying to find out where she is when it’s so obvious she doesn’t care about you. Let’s just face it. You married a who—”
He put the receiver down before he heard the “r” sound.
***
She wasn’t there for their son’s first birthday.
The man tried to put on a smile. He couldn’t.
***
He dialed a number on the phone. He waited.
“Hello?” It was the friend.
“I need someone to talk to.”
“Sure, man. Sure.”
“It’s so hard.” His voice cracked.
“I know, man. I know. Look, don’t you think you should just face the fact that she’s not coming back? Time to move on, bro. Take the kids and live your lives without her. It’s better that way—for you and for the little ones.”
That was logical. He knew that that was probably the least complicated solution to everything. Still, it wasn’t about complications. It was about his commitment.
***
It had been one year and six months since he last saw her. Since they last spoke.
He couldn’t help it.
He still missed her.
***
The phone rang.
“Hello?”
“She’s in jail.”
“What?”
“She’s turned into a godforsaken tramp. Been trying to survive in the streets…illegally.”
“I’m going to see her.”
A long pause. Followed by, “Why?”
“Because I love her.”
***
“How could I have been so stupid?” she continually asked herself. Everything she ever needed and wanted were with her the whole time. Yet, she was willing to give that all away. For what? A life that eventually destroyed her? She rested her head against the wall. Tears flowed down her eyes for a long time. She deserved to be here. She deserved to die for deserting her children and abandoning her husband.
The guard unlocks the cell door. “Someone’s bailing you out.”
She felt her heart stop for a split second. She saw him. Her husband! Why him? She couldn’t bear to see him. She felt like his gaze on her was eating her alive. She turned toward the wall and started sobbing harder than ever.
The man walked slowly to her and cupped her chin with his hand.
“Why? Why are you here?” she stammered through heavy breaths.
The man’s voice was warm and soothing as he whispered, “I’m here to take you back.”
Friday, July 10, 2009
OMG! I'M AN ADULT!
Talk about a late realization, huh?
As I write this, I'm listening to the songs of 13 the Musical on Youtube. Now I'm deep in thought. Well, not exactly deeeeeep in thought; still, I'm thinking enough to start blogging.
I suddenly realized that it's already been a decade since I turned thirteen. Ten years! Golly. I'm really getting old.
It's funny. When I was a teenager, I always looked forward to getting older. I anticipated independence and freedom. I dreamed about getting my first paycheck and buying the stuff that I want WHEN I want them. I wanted to be able to do things that grownups could do.
I think I should have enjoyed my teenage years more.
Being an adult can be really frustrating.
Or maybe I just feel this way because I'm alone.
As I write this, I'm listening to the songs of 13 the Musical on Youtube. Now I'm deep in thought. Well, not exactly deeeeeep in thought; still, I'm thinking enough to start blogging.
I suddenly realized that it's already been a decade since I turned thirteen. Ten years! Golly. I'm really getting old.
It's funny. When I was a teenager, I always looked forward to getting older. I anticipated independence and freedom. I dreamed about getting my first paycheck and buying the stuff that I want WHEN I want them. I wanted to be able to do things that grownups could do.
I think I should have enjoyed my teenage years more.
Being an adult can be really frustrating.
Or maybe I just feel this way because I'm alone.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
MY OWN VERSION OF "DO HARD THINGS"
I went through an emotional roller coaster yesterday. Normally, when I say that, I often mean that I was just staring in space, feeling depressed and restless and wishing that God would make me happy. Yesterday was a more extreme case. I literally found myself crying out to God, tears trailing down my cheeks and my words muffled by sobs. It became such a difficult time for me that I couldn't even write a story which I had been so excited to put in my blog the previous night.
For the first time, I realized the gravity of making a commitment to God. I had thought at first that it was going to be a no-sweat thing. Had I known that it was going to be so hard, I would've thought twice about my decision.
You see, once upon a time, I told God and others that if I were to enter into a relationship, it would just be with one person--my wife.
I should've just kept my mouth shut.
I'm paying for that commitment. Every single day. It's tough being single and watching all those close to you experience being with their special someones. It's difficult when you don't have a "date" story to tell while those around you always do. It's hard to desire to stay pure in your thoughts and actions when your flesh constantly tempts you to go for what you want out of life. It's a crazy world.
So why make that commitment at all? Well, I'll admit. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. When I first read When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, I was immediately entranced by the whole concept of actually waiting on God to orchestrate the perfect relationship for you. It comes with a price, though: total surrender to His will and timing. So I thought that I could handle it.
In the portions of the book narrated by Eric, he would describe about the times he'd go through loneliness and emotional distress because of his commitment to make God write His own love story. Whenever I read his stories, I kept on trying to imagine how it must feel like to go through those kinds of episodes. Well, I'm not imagining. I'm having them. Believe me, it's not pretty.
So it's hard and it's killing you. Why continue with the commitment? I can come up with a lot of reasons why I should just give this up and get involved with someone who never left the "crush" status in my life. I can come up with convincing arguments for me to enter into some temporary relationships if just to relieve myself of emotional episodes that I go through. However, I can also quote a truth that'll convince me to stick with what I'm doing: GOD IS FAITHFUL! I want my love story to be a testimony of His faithfulness to me.
When I began to read Alex and Brett Harris' Do Hard Things, I had simply pictured doing hard things as simply going out of your comfort zone and going that extra mile to make a difference. Now, I seem to have identified the "hard thing": being single for His glory.
I must be crazy to write down something so personal here for all the world to see. But if you stumbled upon this blog and firmly believe that what I'm doing is right, please pray for me.
For the first time, I realized the gravity of making a commitment to God. I had thought at first that it was going to be a no-sweat thing. Had I known that it was going to be so hard, I would've thought twice about my decision.
You see, once upon a time, I told God and others that if I were to enter into a relationship, it would just be with one person--my wife.
I should've just kept my mouth shut.
I'm paying for that commitment. Every single day. It's tough being single and watching all those close to you experience being with their special someones. It's difficult when you don't have a "date" story to tell while those around you always do. It's hard to desire to stay pure in your thoughts and actions when your flesh constantly tempts you to go for what you want out of life. It's a crazy world.
So why make that commitment at all? Well, I'll admit. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. When I first read When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy, I was immediately entranced by the whole concept of actually waiting on God to orchestrate the perfect relationship for you. It comes with a price, though: total surrender to His will and timing. So I thought that I could handle it.
In the portions of the book narrated by Eric, he would describe about the times he'd go through loneliness and emotional distress because of his commitment to make God write His own love story. Whenever I read his stories, I kept on trying to imagine how it must feel like to go through those kinds of episodes. Well, I'm not imagining. I'm having them. Believe me, it's not pretty.
So it's hard and it's killing you. Why continue with the commitment? I can come up with a lot of reasons why I should just give this up and get involved with someone who never left the "crush" status in my life. I can come up with convincing arguments for me to enter into some temporary relationships if just to relieve myself of emotional episodes that I go through. However, I can also quote a truth that'll convince me to stick with what I'm doing: GOD IS FAITHFUL! I want my love story to be a testimony of His faithfulness to me.
When I began to read Alex and Brett Harris' Do Hard Things, I had simply pictured doing hard things as simply going out of your comfort zone and going that extra mile to make a difference. Now, I seem to have identified the "hard thing": being single for His glory.
I must be crazy to write down something so personal here for all the world to see. But if you stumbled upon this blog and firmly believe that what I'm doing is right, please pray for me.
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